This is the first year I’ve had a garden. It’s a wonderful, beautiful thing. So far, I’ve harvested almost thirty plump red tomatoes, so I thought I’d learn a new skill and experiment with home canning! What a bloggerly thing to do, I thought. I’ll DOCUMENT this process and share it!
Step one: Dig up an apron and take a selfie with a tomato. (Note: Maybe remember to wipe the goo out of the bottom of the sink first.)
For extra credit, take a selfie of yourself taking a selfie with your camera remote. Internet people call this, “meta”. Do not attempt this maneuver if anyone else is at home to make fun of you. They can make fun of you later, when you post it on the world wide web.
Step 4: Cut an X along the bottom of each tomato.
Step 5: Boil the tomatoes just until you see the skins starting to recede.
Step 6: Put your tomatoes in some cool water for a second and marvel at how easily you can peel the skins right off. Your tomatoes will look like this:
Step 7: Dump out all but the tiniest bit of your tomato water, and add your now freshly peeled tomatoes. Boil until you think maybe they’re done.
Step 8: While your tomatoes are cooking, sanitize your jar, lid, and ring in their own pot of boiling water. Remove carefully.
Step 9: Start filling your jar with your tomato mixture. Call your mom to make sure the jar doesn’t have to be filled all the way to the top because you’re not sure you have as many diced tomatoes as you thought you would.
Step 10: Guess what? Your mom says it has to be filled all the way to neck of the jar.
Step 11: Let the jar cool and try to figure out how to not let all those beautiful homegrown tomatoes go to waste. You decide to google “open kettle canning” to see if there’s any other way you could have pulled this off. You find out you were probably about to poison your whole family with an outdated canning method.
Step 12: Your tomatoes cool off, and you pour them into a freezer bag. You misspell it “tomatos” but try to sneak the “e” back in there thinking that no one will notice when you put it on Instagram.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you can(t). Just go to the store and buy diced tomatoes. Really.